West, I Mean Worst, Village

My cousin Troy excitedly posted an interesting article listing the Top Ten Hottest New Restaurants in the US by Open Table. I don't want to toot my own horn but New York took four of those spots and I have already talked about two of them; Lavo (#3) (duh!) and The Hurricane Club (#10). The other two New York spots are Beauty & Essex (#1) and Kenmare (#6). I'm still fuming Lavo didn't get the top billing but I guess we can't win em all. I fortunately have to say I haven't been to either Beauty & Essex or Kenmare but heard very interesting things about each one.

Beauty & Essex is obviously located on Essex Street down on the Lower East Side (blah) by the same owners who made the slider the most trendy restaurant food, Stanton Social (double blah). I'm glad to say I haven't been there either. B&T crowd with 3 hour waits for miniscule expensive sliders, yea no thanks. But supposedly B & E is gaining positive press from the lounge upstairs which acts as a club late in the night. Heard it currently has the hardest door in New York, but thats not a problem for me. Eric and I can just go on a random Tuesday night at midnight. Problem solved there. The more interesting part of this place is the women's bathroom. I hear they give out free glasses of champagne to women in the bathroom. This is pure genius. Women will now get drunk faster which puts smiles on the guys faces. Guys chances of getting lucky that night goes up considerably and everyone is happy. Clubs bottom line is to keep the guys happy because, yes you guessed it, they are the ones paying for everything. If you keep the guys happy, they will continue to come, and the hot girls will follow. Might sound like I'm being a little sexist, but honestly, have you ever been to a club and see a girl pay the bottle service tab or better yet even be at the bar ordering a drink? No dice!

Like B & E, Kenmare is located downtown but in the West Village (triple blah). Again, a mediocre restaurant that turns into a lounge type club after dinner. Only thing to order here is the meatball sliders which made its mark at The Little Owl, by the same chef. I hate when reviewers describe a restaurant as, "located on a cute little quaint block in the heart of West Village". I don't know what this means. The West Village might be the most overrated section of New York. It's boring, confusing to navigate, expensive as hell, and its claim to fame is Carrie Bradshaw eating at Magnolia. I just want to yell at every teeny popper girl waiting in line to get their overpriced cupcake, that Carrie didn't even live in the West Village and the cupcake craze was over like four years ago. Sorry if I'm ranting, o shit, I have to go. Eric is calling me to see if I want to go buy some wigs and makeup and try to sneak into the women's bathroom at B & E. Heck, I'll do anything to get me some free booze, "Hey, I'm Retired at 28!".