When you see midtown New York bumper to bumper with PR waving flag-Honda Civics with Pitbull blaring on stereo sounds systems which probably cost more than the car, then you know its the day to double lock your apartment door and stay inside by all means. Mark it on your calendar, the second Sunday in June aka the worst day of the year.....the Puerto Rican Day Parade. You literally have to be on heavy drugs to venture out to this godforsaken mess. And just to clear the air that I'm not racist, I hate all parades. I think the Jewish Parade is stupid as is the Gay Pride Parade. Why have a parade to celebrate who you are? But what bothers me the most about the Rican Parade is how obnoxious and loud it is.
My parents were actually in New York yesterday and for some reason were intrigued by the parade. This proves even smart people have poor lapses in judgement. So we decide to walk over to Fifth Avenue and check out this horrific sight. (Side note-wouldn't you think the residences of Fifth Avenue would try to protest this damn parade?) I've never seen so many fake gold teeth, greasy jerry curls, and shirtless men AND women. It was pretty scary. At first Sue was enjoying herself and actually busted a move on 66th street but it was downhill from there. After two guys within three minutes asked my dad where the closest McDonalds was, we knew we needed to get outta of this mess asap. We shuffled back to my apartment and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. So I won't forget later on this year, I just booked my flight to Florida for this time next year. "Hey, I'm Retired at 28!"
And the first borderline racist elliot post has now been completed.
ReplyDeleteLet me explain why this is racist despite your disclaimer. You say, "just to clear the air that I'm not racist, I hate all parades." While this very well could be true, why would you have to double lock your doors unless you think this specific parade has some inherent dangers associated with it. I doubt if i check your apartment that it will be padlocked shut during the gay pride parade or the jew pride parade. Just a hunch on my part.
I am not saying that you are a bad person for the messages in this post. Just saying, take a page from Daniel Tosh and call a spade a spade. Do not be afraid. You know what a said (continue to read in rhymes like in Happy Gilmore).
I also have a question for you because I, like you, generally hate parades however I LOVE the parades at Disney with all the characters. They are ridiculously fun and even though you know the people inside the costumes are typically tiny mexican-americans, it still feels like you are seeing real celebrities. Do you share my love in those festivities or are you 100% anti parade? Also, would you count a Disney Parade as a Mexican American parade?
Elliott! Yeah, the parade is super crowded & rowdy - and yeah, when I took my Mom we literally ran into someone getting arrested. But considering that my family is part Puerto Rican - yeah, this is also pretty racist.
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ReplyDeleteI think the double-lock-the-door is more to prevent Elliot from leaving the apartment than to prevent any parade-goers from coming in. Who would want to rob Retired at 28 anyway? Unless of course it's the African American Day Parade and they want Elliot's stash of Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns DVD's (see that was a racist comment.)
ReplyDeleteAs for parades, I generally agree that all parades are stupid wastes of time and money. One huge exception for Mardi Gras, but even those parades get old after like an hour. Thank god for booze.
I love the cops who searched a Puerto Rican guy's Lamborghini just because they thought he had to be a drug dealer to have a nice car. Come to think of it, the article didn't say whether or not they found any drugs...
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